Morgue
by hellopants
Summary: A funny no longer one-shot I came up with sitting in a hospital waiting room. Those crazy Cullen's are at it again! VAMPIRES! It's being continued thanks to bribes from My-Bella and E. C. Cullen. The new stuff is what happens when Edward gets home!
1. Chapter 1

_Morgue._

_Edward's Point of View_

"Emmett is going to be so jealous of this prank," I whispered to myself. Carlisle would definitely not approve of what I was about to do. I still couldn't believe that Alice hadn't stopped me from completing my devious plan.

I slowly crept through the basement of the hospital, carefully checking everyone's thoughts to make sure I wasn't noticed. When I finally made it to the right door, I slipped through and laid down.

_Miranda's Point of View_

_Another day, another dead body to cut up, _I thought, walking into the staff lounge. I put my things into the locker and changed into my scrubs. My mind drifted over everything that had happened in the last month…nothing. The man of my dreams still didn't notice me, my mother still called me daily about my relationship status. The only thing that changed was my cat's weight and my hair.

I slowly made my way down to the morgue so I could start on the next autopsy. I was used to seeing the insides of dead people now, so it hardly ever fazed me to see someone lying on my table, waiting. But the one who was on it now was so handsome; he was almost out of a fairytale.

When I looked in his file, something didn't seem right, but then again, who could write a report while looking at this god. Stop that thought, Miranda! You are too old for him and he's dead! My mind is coming unraveled.

I started prepping my tools and putting on my protective clothing. My favorite blood protection outfit was ready and waiting! Once I put it on, I did a little spin. Who knows? Maybe the doctor of my dreams would walk through the door and admire the effort I put into being safe.

I did the mandatory once over to make sure he was dead. Just by touching him, I knew. He was cold as ice. I wonder if he died in a tragic freezer accident. It would explain why his skin was so hard. Just for the sake of knowing, I peeked under the sheet that covered his lower half. WOW! So sad this boy was dead. I thought I saw his eyes tighten, but that would be impossible!

Oh well, I better get started on cutting this poor guy up. His file said they hadn't found the cause of death yet. It's time to get out my trusty bone saw! There is nothing like the first cut into a new 'client'!

My bone saw glistened as I lowered it to this boy's chest. When it hit his skin, my favorite saw's blade, shattered! This boy was going to get a few extra cuts when I got another saw! I went to the supply closet, but we were out of replacement blades. Great. Now what am I going to do? Stupid boy with his icy skin!

When I opened the god's-I mean boy's-file I saw that his family hadn't been called yet. There were a couple of numbers here, but after I called the supply company I found out it would take a few hours for the new blade to come in, so I might as well make the calls myself.

After I finished talking to the supply dispatcher, I chose to make the calls in order, starting with this Mary girl. I dialed the phone and the moment I finished dialing, there was a giggling girl on the other end of the phone line.

"I'm waiting," a tinkling voice said, bringing me out of my little trance.

"Hi, is Mary Brandon there?" I asked.

"What did you just call me?" she yelled into the phone. "Oh, that boy is going to get it for that one!" How is he going to pay?! The boy is dead! I am just trying to get a hold of Mary so I can inform her of this tragic news!

"Um, excuse me but is this Mary?" I asked sheepishly.

"The name is Mary Alice, but if you ever put the Mary part in there again, I will come break your little human neck!" she threatened. This woman is crazy! I better do this quickly, like a band-aid!

"Okay,MissAlice.itseemsyourbrotherisdead. Bye!" (A/N: "Okay, Miss Alice. It seems your brother is dead. Bye!") I blurted out, before slamming the phone down. I really hoped the next call wouldn't be like that one! Only three more calls on the list. Hopefully, my new saw will be here by then. I wearily grabbed the phone and dialed the next number on the list.

"Hello?" a very pleasant sounding man answered. Good. This one shouldn't be as bad as the last one.

"Hi, is this Carlisle Cullen?" I asked with a smile. I don't know why I smiled; it's not like he could see it.

"Yes, who is this?" he questioned.

"This is Miranda. I'm with Mercy Hospital." The man groaned and then I heard something that sounded like two boulders smashing together. "Is everything alright there Mr. Cullen?"

"Stop beating around the bush and ask already!" he yelled.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you are talking about, sir."

"So you're going to pretend that your hospital hasn't called me five times this week to try and convince me to join your staff?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I just called to tell you that your son died," I stuttered. To my surprise, the man just burst out laughing.

"What did Emmett do now?" he said between laughs. You would think that he would be hyperventilating, but he just kept laughing.

"Um, I'm actually calling about the fact that your son Edward has passed away from an undetermined source," I said, in a confused tone.

"Really? Edward? That boy has been spending too much time with his brothers. Would you mind telling his body that Esme wants him to bring Bella over tonight?" he laughed.

"I guess so. I really don't understand why I would tell a corpse to bring someone home. But if you insist." Who was I to hurt the man who just found out his son was dead?

"Thank you for calling. Please make sure to tell him," Carlisle said, in perfect composure, before the line went dead. This family was absolutely insane! Only two more calls. Where is the blade delivery guy when you need him? I dialed the next number and heard some song about a lumberjack.

"Emmett, here. What can I do for you?" a muscular voice laughed.

"Hi, Emmett. This is Miranda and I'm with Mercy hospital," I sighed.

"I think you want Carlisle," he muttered.

"No, I want to talk to Emmett McCarty." These people were getting very annoying!

"Oh, well then, what can I do for you, pretty lady?" his voice almost sauntered. There was a very loud smack before I heard. "Ouch, Rose. Come on, it was just a joke!"

"Mr. McCarty, I am sorry to inform you that your brother, Edward, has passed away," I said with remorse.

"So who ripped him up?" he laughed. Why was this family laughing at losing a relative? Wait, what did he mean by ripped him up?

"Sir, his body is fine, he died of un-known causes. We will be doing an autopsy soon to find out," I said, very confused.

"Ah, so that's his game. I guess I better step mine up a little," he pondered. "Well thanks for the heads up, doctor lady. Hope you have a nice ass!" The line went dead and I was left stunned by him talking about my ass instead of mourning! Then again, I hoped I had a nice ass, too!

Only one call left. I just need to take deep breaths. I dialed the final number and took one last deep breath.

"Hello, may I please speak with Isabella Cullen?" I asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?" a man screamed from the other end of the phone.

"I need to speak with Isabella Cullen, sir," I said calmly, hoping that would work this time.

"WHAT?!"

"Sir, may I please speak with Isabella Cullen?"

"That boy is dead. He will never come near my daughter again!" the man fumed. "How could she run off with that boy when their wedding is two weeks away?" That poor girl.

"Please, sir, this is Miranda, with Mercy Hospital. I need to speak with Isabella!" I was finally getting so upset with this family I yelled at the man!

"NO!" he yelled back, before slamming the phone down. Another call just got added to my list. I really didn't like today. I would rather be cutting someone open, than making calls to this crazy family. I dialed the alternate number for Isabella and prayed to God she would be remotely sane! The phone rang a few times before someone picked up.

"Hey Carlisle, Edward isn't here. He left his phone in my room," a lovely sounding girl said.

"Actually this is Miranda. I'm with Mercy Hospital," I said politely. It sounded like this one may not scream or laugh!

"Why are you calling, Edward?" she asked skeptically.

"I'm actually calling to speak with Isabella Cullen. Is she there by chance?" Please, please let me be talking to her already!

"What is this about? And why did you call me Isabella Cullen?" she asked.

"I am sorry to inform you that your husband, Edward, passed away," I said with remorse.

"My _husband _is going to be dead the moment he gets done there! I know you can hear me Edward! You are in so much trouble!" she yelled, before the line went dead, once again. I tried to smack my head, but it was deflected by my forgotten blood shield. After a few minutes of banging my head against the wall, the delivery man finally showed up.

"It's about time," I whined, before seeing a wonderful man in uniform. Maybe this wait _was_ worth it, just to see _this_ delivery man.

"Hello there, miss," he smiled.

"Why hello there, sir," I said, as I sauntered toward the autopsy table. We stood on either side of the table. He kept his eyes on my face and I saw a flirty grin spread across his face.

"I like your uniform." Crap! I forgot about this stupid thing again. Wait, he likes my uniform? Wasn't I just wishing I could find a man who would admire it?

"I like yours, too!" I said, in what I hoped was a flirty voice. He reached across the table and handed me the box, slightly touching my hand in the process.

"Thank you," I smiled.

"No, thank _you_." He turned and started to walk out of the doors and out of my life. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned the top half of his body so he could look at me. "What kind of flowers do you like?" This man could shove a dead body off an autopsy table and take me now if he wanted!

"Lilacs," I whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. With that he left.

I suppose I should start working on this boy again. I can defiantly see why he would want to be dead. No one in his family cared. That must be awful for him. Something must be really wrong with me today because I thought I just saw his nose crinkle a bit.

I opened the box and took out the new beautiful blade. After it was put into place, I moved the saw toward him slowly. All I could think was, _this is what you get for breaking my blade_! The corner of his mouth seemed to twitch. I think I need to go visit the psych ward for a bit.

I couldn't take anymore of this, so I decided to take my break early. His autopsy could wait a little longer; there was no way I could concentrate on trying to find exactly why he died, when I was in this state of mind. Once my suit was removed and I was all washed up, I headed upstairs to the break room. Not even caring that there were gorgeous doctors in the room, I sat and daydreamed about that sexy delivery man. I wish I had gotten his name and number.

When my break was done, I found a new file and body was now waiting. I hurried, wanting to be finished with the boy's autopsy, so I could get him out of my life. When I walked through the room to get my protective suit on, his body was gone!

I am going to get in so much trouble for this! I called the hospital security and they hadn't seen anything suspicious. Then I decided to see if the admissions department had anything on him. When I looked for his file, it was gone. All traces were gone except my box of blades and a sheet of paper lying on top.

When I looked at the paper, I saw very fancy handwriting filling the page. It read:

_Hello Miranda, _

_I am so sorry to run off on you like this. Please forgive me. I just wasn't ready to leave this earth yet. I also have a present for you. Here is your sexy delivery man's name and phone number: Jonathon, 555-432-5565. I hope you two have a wonderful time. Please do not try and look me up. All traces—including video—have been destroyed by the dead. They just wanted to protect me and let me stay on this planet a little bit longer. _

_Thank you, _

_Mystery Man_

As long as this is the right name and number, screw the missing dead body! I now have a hot delivery man!

**Author's note;**

**A little present for you! I hope you liked it! Thanks E. C. Cullen for being a two in the morning beta!**

**Thank you,**

**Hellopants **


	2. Retaliation

_Morgue._

_Retaliation_

_Edward's Point of View_

My eyes went wide when I saw Alice and Bella sitting on arm chairs looking up at me with menacing eyes, each of their own fingertips barely touching the other in the middle of our living room. _Oh crap, I must have really pissed them off,_ I thought. 

"Edward," Bella said with a clenched jaw. "Do you know what I had to go through today?"

"Well I _do _know that there may or may not have been a phone call to my cell phone. You should know not to answer someone else's phone," I tried to defend. 

"Not a chance, Edward," Alice spat. "The name games have got you in a hell of a lot of trouble!" Alice gave Bella a knowing glance. I would have known what the glance was about if Alice would stop playing the chicken dance in her head. That song is going to be stuck in my head all day, too!

"If I say I'm sorry will it help?" I sighed. The two of them raised the same eyebrow in unison. 

"Possibly," they said.

"I'm sorry," I said with remorse. 

"We need more than that, Edward," Bella smiled wickedly. Wait. Bella said that? Now I _know_ I'm in trouble. 

"We have a few ways you can make this up to us." Alice let out an evil laugh that sent shrills down my spine. 

"What kind of things?" I said, shrinking my head into my shoulders. 

"First, shopping," Alice smirked. Please tell me this isn't happening? Bella's face finally moved to an expression other than fury. 

"We never talked about _that_ Alice!" Bella shrieked. 

"Trust me, Bella," Alice stated in a neutral tone. Bella sank into the chair with a sigh, but shortly returned to her frightening posture. 

"Okay, shopping it is, Alice," I conceded. 

"Second," Bella laughed in a very scary way, "_you _are going to explain to Charlie what happened!" I felt my eyes go wide at the thought. Alice suddenly let the song stop so I could see a vision of Charlie trying to shoot me. I knew he couldn't hurt me, but having to explain why that was to him, would be a big problem. After that, the chicken dance continued-this time with big bird dancing to it. 

"This is going to be more difficult than I thought," I mumbled to myself. Alice heard me and snickered. 

"The third is a surprise," they chuckled together. I shuddered, thinking about what they might have planned. There was no way that this would be easy. 

"Edward, do you know that I had to have Alice sneak me out of Charlie's?" Bella asked, crossing her arms across her chest. "You're taking care of the Charlie situation first." Bella turned her attention to Alice. "Shopping doesn't come first in everyone's book, Alice. Charlie would find out I was missing if we went shopping first!"

"I wouldn't have it any other way, dear Bella," Alice smiled. "Have fun, Eddie!" 

Soon enough, I was running toward Charlie's with Bella latched onto my back. I scaled the wall up to Bella's window, sat her down on her bed and started kissing her. Much to my displeasure, she pulled away. 

"Charlie. You. Now. Go!" Bella instructed. "You need to take care of this!"

"If I must," I said, as I jumped out of the window and headed back to my house to collect my car. I was trying to figure out how I could explain to Charlie exactly what happened, but still tell him nothing,-that's harder than you would think. 

I could see the familiar white house in the distance, slightly darkened in the twilight. Someone had pulled the Volvo out of the garage for me and I could only assume it was Alice. My theory was confirmed when I saw her sitting on the trunk of the car with her legs crossed. 

"Hello, naughty little Eddie," Alice giggled evilly. What did that evil little pixie want now?

"I'm already in enough trouble, Alice. Could you please just let me get my first apology done?" I pleaded.

"Absolutely not, brother."

"What do you want?"

"You're going to help me," she smirked. Stupid sponge bob theme song!

"And what is it I'm going to help you with?"

"The shopping trip, dear Edward," Alice smiled wickedly. "Our location for it is rather far. I need you to talk with Bella about taking a trip to The Mall of America."

"Bella is already in an enormous amount of trouble and flying to Minnesota wouldn't help that," I yelled. Was she _trying_ to expose us? Charlie was already on the brink of shooting me. 

"I already bought the plane tickets, Edward. We _are_ going."

"NO," I growled.

"I guess I will just have to tell Bella about the little peep show that happened in the morgue," Alice smirked. 

"They didn't do anything! They were just flirting!"

"I'm not talking about them, big boy." My eyes went wide after she said that. I really needed her to stop blocking me; I didn't think I could handle it one more second.

"Well, what was I supposed to do Alice? Just reach up and grab the girl's hand? She would have had a heart attack," I pleaded. 

"Edward, Bella is going to be so mad when I tell her you let that lady see you naked before she got to!" Alice squealed!

"Please Alice, I know you wouldn't threaten something unless you had something to gain from it, especially seeing someone humiliated, so please don't do that."

"Let's just say if you don't convince her to go, your punishment would involve a strip-tease…And Bella wouldn't be the one dancing," Alice giggled. This would be bad…this would be very bad.

Alice jumped off of the Volvo and walked into the house. I slid in and sped down the driveway. Now I had to think of a way to tell Charlie it was just a joke _and_ convince Bella to go to Minnesota! I never should have done that stupid prank! 

When I stopped the car in front of Charlie's house I heard his very…aggressive thoughts. I never knew how carefully Charlie had watched horror movies because right now he had very detailed thoughts about an axe and my head. _It's now or never._

Before I had a chance to knock on the front door, it swung open to show an aggravated Bella. She moved aside silently and motioned for me to come into the house. When I walked into the living room, Charlie stood up and I noticed he still had his gun attached to his hip, which was odd considering he didn't work today.

"Hello, Charlie," I smiled, trying to pretend like nothing had happened. His mind flashed to an image of locking Bella in a tower like Rapunzel. "How was your day?"

"Edward," Charlie growled, "would you care to explain why someone called and thought the two of you were married?" 

"Typo?" I answered, trying to see if he would believe my lame excuse. 

"Not a chance, Edward," Bella said, raising an eyebrow at me as she leaned against the wall. I turned back to Charlie, giving him a sheepish smile. I could rip apart a vampire without fear but the minute Bella got mad at me, I turned into a groveling teenage boy.

"I wrote it down on a contact sheet because there's only two weeks left until the wedding and I didn't want to have to change it later?" I really hoped that one would work.

"Then why did they call my house and not yours?" Charlie asked, looking at me with fire in his eyes. I gulped and tried to continue. 

"I forgot the number to our house," I said, slapping my forehead. Bella grunted and moved to stand next to me. 

"You don't forget anything, Edward," she countered. "Otherwise, you wouldn't have left your cell phone in my purse _and _had the hospital call it." I thought she was supposed to help me diffuse this situation! 

"It was Emmett's idea. He put me up to it!" I said. My cell phone rang in Bella's pocket and she answered it in a matter of seconds. There was a pause and I could hear Alice talking on the phone.

"I know you can hear, Edward, and I have to tell you not to blame Emmett or else Rosalie is going to come after you," Alice laughed into the phone. I knew she had already seen Rosalie trying to attack me. 

"Alice, it's so sweet of you to think of your brother but Charlie and I need to have a talk with him right now," Bella said before shutting the phone. 

"It was a joke, Charlie," I said with remorse. How could I think he wouldn't get angry at me before I did this? "I am sorry for upsetting you both." I turned to Bella with pleading eyes and she nodded. 

"Dad, it was all a mistake," Bella sighed. Charlie put away the gun in his mind but replaced it with a tazer and a can of pepper spray. 

"Bella I don't think—" Charlie said before Bella cut him off.

"Alice just told me on the phone all about his joke. Be glad your sister is a tattle tale, Edward," Bella said, before turning and walking out of the room. I followed her into the kitchen and sat in the chair next to hers. 

"Alice wanted me to talk to you about the shopping trip," I said with a small smile. She had been mad at me so what made Alice think _I_ could convince her to fly off just to go to a mall? "She picked out what mall she wants to go to, so sometime in the very near future—as long as you agree—we will be going to The Mall of America!" I said, with fake enthusiasm. 

"WE'RE GOING WHERE!" Bella screamed. 

**Author's Note;**

**My-Bella and E. C. Cullen bribed me for this chapter! And I bribed them back with two chapters, what I got for that is a Cookie League secret! So if you like this thank them if you don't like it blame them! LOL! E. C. Cullen edited this when I was trying to decide if I should post it. Bribery works wonders with me people! Happy reading!**

**Thank you,**

**Hellopants**

**P.S. I love you Cookie League fans! **


	3. Poor Eddie Can’t Get a Break

**Disclaimer: You know I don't own it. **

**E.C. edited this! **

_Morgue_

_Poor Eddie Can't Get a Break_

_Edward's Point of View_

Plane rides used to be remotely fun—that was before this one. My infuriated fiancée was sitting on my left side and my shopping-crazed sister, who also happened to be infuriated with me, sitting to my right. Alice was still blocking me full force, going through an entire Spice Girls' CD and now we were on the doom song from the cartoon _Invader Zim._ I didn't know how much longer I could take the silence, and yet, I wanted to cover my ears from the screaming thoughts filling the small airplane.

"Bella, will you _please_ talk to me?" I begged.

"Edward, I am being forced to fly to a mall. _Fly_ to a mall Edward! This is ridiculous! And your fault!" Bella nearly yelled, getting the attention of a few bored passengers.

"I can't tell you why I agreed to this, but trust me, I did it for _our_ best interest," I said, looking into her eyes.

"Can you tell me what we are shopping for at least?"

"I have no idea. Alice has been blocking me since I got back from the morgue." What I said had peeked a few more passengers' interest. "Bella, Alice may have blocked me, but I can tell you that people _are_ listening to us. We need to stay quietand watch what we say."

"Fine, I will be quiet. Extremely quiet. You won't here a word from me!" Bella scoffed.

Bella kept her promise and didn't talk to me for the remainder of the flight. I missed her voice every second of it. When we landed, Alice grabbed me and told me to get the carry-on's. She then dragged Bella and me across the airport to a limo.

"For once, Alice, can't we just do something simple?" Bella asked, or rather, pleaded.

"Relax, Bella. The limo is only taking us to the hotel," Alice giggled, while singing "Barbie Girl" in her head. Why, oh why, did Aqua have to make that God forsaken song?

"What hotel, Alice?" I asked.

"The one we're staying at, silly!" Alice said, as she bounced over to the limo and then inside of it.

"Would you like me to rip her arms off now or later, love?" I asked Bella sweetly.

"Later," Bella growled. I helped Bella into the limo and after we were all in the car, the driver started our drive to the hotel.

"Alice, when did you decide that we were going to stay in a hotel?" I asked.

"It's only one night and around nine o'clock tonight the weather will start to get bad. I'll call Charlie at eight o'clock and tell him that we can't leave until the morning," Alice said with confidence.

"Let's get the shopping over with first, Alice," Bella sighed, trying to get it over with, like ripping a band-aid off, which I am told is rather painful.

"To the mall, driver!" Alice yelled, pumping her fist above her head, hitting the roof and thankfully not leaving a dent!

The driver dropped us off at the main entrance of the mall and Bella's eyes went wide as she saw just how large it really was. When we were walking in, Bella's jaw dropped and she looked all around, taking in the sights.

"You two run off for a little while, while I warn the stores we are going to be shopping in," Alice giggled, as she danced away.

"Edward?" Bella asked.

"Yes, love?"

"That sign says there is an aquarium, so do you think we could go see it?" Bella asked shyly.

"We can go wherever you want," I said, as I grabbed her hand and led her to the escalator that would take us down to the fish tanks. Once we paid for our tickets and started the tour, I realized what a bad idea it was. All the turtles in the first room started hissing at me.

"Edward, this was a bad idea," Bella said bluntly.

"I see your point," I said, trying to turn around so we could make our escape.

"Keep moving!" someone yelled.

"We are going to have to keep going, Bella," I said with a weak smile.

We finished walking through the turtle area and moved onto the tunnel. Bella held onto me tightly as we walked through, looking at the fishes swimming overhead. All the fish would scatter when they saw me; this would be interesting.

"Edward, we really should find another way out. And soon!" Bella whispered furiously.

"There's too many people, Bella," I whined, as I grabbed my ears.

"Edward, concentrate on me," Bella said, looking into my eyes. I focused on Bella's deep eyes, her sweet smile, and her lovely breasts. "I'm up here, Edward."

"Sorry," I said sheepishly.

"_Hey, that guy is checking that girl out. I think I would be, too. I mean, look at those—"_ some teenage imbecile thought from somewhere behind us. All I had to do was look toward that crowd for the _child_ to stop his train of thought.

"What was that?" Bella asked, as she ran her hand down the side of my face.

"Perverted child thought he should look at you, too," I sighed, as I took her hand and started pushing through the walkway. When we reached the shark area, one spotted me and decided he was Jaws and tried to attack the tunnel. It was fairly easy to get through after that because everyone had stopped to watch a suicidal shark ram into the tunnel and start to bleed while the others surrounded him. Stupid fish.

"Can we pick up something for Angela?" Bella asked me, as we walked into the gift shop.

"I'm the one in trouble, remember? You can have whatever you want," I smiled, hoping she wouldn't start my punishment all over again.

"I almost forgot," Bella said wickedly, as she ran her hand down the shelf she walked by.

"I don't see how one little trip to the morgue could get me in so much trouble," I pondered, loud enough for Bella to hear.

"What?!" Bella shrieked. Open mouth, insert foot. I had just realized Alice hadn't said a word about what I was actually doing. Bella only knew about the phone calls from the morgue not that I was actually there.

"Let's talk about this once we're outside of the aquarium. We can find a secluded spot in the mall," I smiled weakly.

Bella grabbed a turtle statue off of the shelf and dropped it onto the floor. _Now_ she was angry. "Whoops," she smirked, as an employee came over to us. I groaned while I paid for, the broken and an unbroken sculpture, thanks to my future wife's temper tantrum that would be justified if Alice ever told her what the Miranda had looked at. It wasn't my fault that she lifted the sheet.

"Bella, please?" I asked, once we were outside of the aquarium and in the hallway.

"I have a present for you, Edward," Bella grinned wickedly. This would either be very bad, very good, or both. She went over to the map of the mall and quickly found what she was looking for. Bella then grabbed my arm and pulled me down the walkway and right into Victoria's Secret.

Okay, I like this. Then, Alice came bouncing out of a dressing room. "I saw it, Bella. Everything is set up in there!" Alice squealed. Alice then grabbed my shoulder and spoke. "Bella, is going to get payback big time, brother."

"Follow me, sweetheart," Bella smiled wickedly, before grabbing my hand and pulling, telling me to let her drag me. I had no choice but to oblige or else my lovely fiancée would do something _extremely _harsh.

"Bella, what is it exactly you are trying to do? Is this for the honeymoon?" I asked shakily.

"Of course it is, sweetheart, but I think I may need your opinion on a few of the things," Bella said deviantly.

"These are the two I need you to help," Alice said to an employee, as she danced around us. "Make sure everything is set up exactly like I told you!" Once again, the wicked pixie was blocking me; if I had to hear "U + Ur Hand" one more time, I would permanently remove the song from my sister's brain!

"Follow me, please," the employee smiled. I could read her mind and from the looks of her brain, I would be viewing some interesting garments. I may like this more than I could ever hope for.

"Okay, Eddie," Alice giggled. "I'm off to see a few other stores. Enjoy yourself!"

Alice took off and he employee led Bella to a dressing room and closed the door behind her while I was instructed to sit and wait. There were women all around me trying to show me lingerie and their thoughts about me were rather disturbing.

I heard Bella take out her phone from the dressing room. From the dial tones, I could tell she was calling Alice. "Alice, now that I'm here, I don't know if I can do this," Bella whispered.

"Of course you can. Edward is listening so get your butt out of the dressing room and do what you wanted to do!" Alice yelled. She should not be yelling at my Bella like that! I went to get up to snatch the phone from Bella, and have a little "chat" with my sister, but before I could do anything I heard the line go dead and then Bella sighing deeply.

"Okay, Edward, here I come," she said, trying to sound confident. My poor Bella shouldn't have to do anything she didn't want to. Then again, she did want to at first, and it was all because of me. What a fiasco.

The changing room door opened and Bella came striding out in a royal blue satin nighty. The thing looked amazing on her and made my jaw drop at the very sight of it. That's when I noticed I wasn't the only one looking.

"I brought a panel of judges!" Alice's voice tinkled from behind me. Bella ran back into the dressing room faster than I have ever seen her move, and surprisingly, she didn't trip.

"Alice!" I screamed, getting the attention of all the annoying women. "They are _NOT_ seeing _my_ fiancée half-naked!"

"It's Bella's body and you don't own her quite yet," Alice said, throwing her hands to her hips.

"Hello, Bella's right here," she yelled from the dressing room. "Alice, get them out of here _now_!"

"I wouldn't have brought them if I didn't know you would agree to it," Alice smiled wickedly.

"You're not getting away with it. Now, get those boys out of here!" Bella screamed. I suddenly noticed that all of the boys had abandoned Alice and were now helping those lingerie-harpies shop.

"Now do you see why I brought them, Edward?" Alice whispered to me. "You two won't have to deal with the hookers."

"Some days I think you are the best crazy little sister but then I remember how you're bribing me!" I said a little too loud. Bella peeked her head out the door with a confused expression on her face.

"What's she bribing you with, Edward?" Bella asked bluntly.

"Yes, Eddie, what _am_ I bribing you with?" Alice chuckled.

"Well, Bella…you know how…Miranda saw me naked!" I sputtered secretly hoping she would take it easy on me.

"Who the hell is Miranda?!"


	4. Mental Anguish

Morgue

_Morgue._

_Mental Anguish_

_Edward's Point of View_

"Um…well…she was the person who was supposed to give me my autopsy," I stuttered. Who ever heard of a stuttering vampire?

"You are in _so_ much trouble, Edward!" Alice chirped.

"Bella, I swear I would have stopped her but I would have given the poor girl a heart attack." Bella was slowly walking toward me with a look that could mentally beat you up. The fact that we were in a very crowded area and talking about the fact that I was supposed to get an autopsy was filling the air with confused thoughts. This is not good.

"Edward," Bella practically spit. "We need to have a talk, Mr. Cullen."

"Bella," I gulped. "Can we go somewhere a little more private?" Crap. She was still beating me the only way she could…with that beautiful brain of hers.

"Edward is in so much trouble," Alice chanted, as she danced around the store spinning a string…no a pair of underwear on her finger.

"Where do you want to go Mr. Cullen?" Bella stomped her foot and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Okay!" Alice yelled suddenly. "Back to the hotel room!" she instructed. Then she leaned toward Bella and whispered, "trust me you do not want to do this here we need to leave."

Alice grabbed her elbow and started dragging her then grabbed my elbow with her other hand and started pulling. That pixie is stranger than most people think. She dragged me right out of Victoria's Secret. _She_ dragged _me_!

The limo was waiting for us at the nearest exit. Soon enough we were in front of the Embassy Suites building. It was very nice considering the other hotels. When we stepped inside I saw exactly why Alice had picked this hotel.

It was completely open inside with green plants everywhere. I know there was a generous amount of fake plants in there but it was very pleasant! I am sure my lovely infuriated fiancée would love it if she could give her eyes a break from beating me over the head with blunt objects. I may not be able to read her mind but as I said she was beating me thoroughly with her mind!

Alice had booked the corner executive suite. It had windows that curved around the corner and a table right in the nook of it. It might not be like a big city hotel but considering we were in Minnesota it really wasn't too bad. I bet there are some nice ones when you get into the heart of the twin cities.

"Okay!" Bella yelled. "Now that we're here let me say, Alice get those biters out your changing me so I can do some damage!"

"Bella, you're over reacting," I said putting my hands out in surrender. "She just took one little peek."

"You should have seen her face!" Alice giggled. "She looked like she had never seen one before!"

"You are _not_ helping right now, Alice," I scolded through my teeth. "Please understand that if I would have stopped Miranda I would have caused her a lot more mental issues than I already have."

"I swear, I don't want to even think about what went through that vile woman's mind!" Bella yelled. This prank was the dumbest thing I had ever done! "And you thought that Mike was bad! This girl has seen you naked! Mike never saw _me_ naked!"

"Yes, but I'm never going to see this girl again!" I pointed out to the love of my existence who returned to mentally beating the shit out of me. That is if I was human and could have that happen.

"Think again, brother," Alice said sickeningly sweet. "Her and Jonathon hopped a plane to get married at the mall! Hmm…maybe I could convince Jasper to marry me at the mall. I mean there isn't anything more romantic than a mall…"

"What are you talking about Alice?" I asked trying to sound calm.

"She called that delivery boy up and they are headed toward the mall now! Oh, we should head back over there soon because I want a word with her about her dress choices," Alice said with a look of concentration on her face. "That dress would be perfect on her."

"She can't see me Alice! That would be a _bad_ thing!" I yelled.

"Unless you are going to let me loose on that girl you better not expect me to step foot in that mall until she's gone!" Bella said, as she tapped her foot.

"Don't worry, Bella," Alice sighed, waving her hand at my sweet Bella. "Edward is going to be here doing exactly what we tell him to!"

"_Whatever_ we tell him?" Bella smirked at my evil pixie of a sister.

"Yep! Go into the bedroom and change into the clothes that are on the bed, Bella," Alice giggled.

"Alice this is ridicules!" I said in despair. I didn't want to leave e Bella's side it is just too hard to be away from her. And if Alice didn't stop singing that evil song from _Hairspray_ she was going to have to deal with being thrown out the corner window!

"Calm down Edward," Alice said dismissively. "This will help Bella in the long run and it will be really funny for me to watch!"

"Why is this important?"

"Because it's a wedding," Alice said trying to make me understand something but honestly I was lost. "You two are getting married in two weeks. Bella still has a bit of cold feet. If we help plan this wedding it _will_ help her with the wedding!"

"Sometimes I want to kiss you for your ideas, other times I want to rip your arms off. But if you don't stop some of that singing I will be forced to do something drastic!"

"You wouldn't!" Alice gasped. "I saw it! You can't do that to those poor innocent shoes!"

"Pick a song that doesn't want to make me revisit the Volturi then!"

"Fine I'll sing that _Linkin Park_ you seem to like so much," Alice pouted.

"I do like other music Alice."

"That's the band that usually pours out of your expensive speakers," Alice smirked.

"Just go back to the mall already," I sighed waving my hand from her to the door.

Alice went into the bedroom with Bella and I tuned out Alice's banter about proper makeup techniques and her awful interpretation of _Linkin Park_. After fifteen long minutes Alice entered the room in a black cocktail dress that showed too much of her for my liking. The only reason I even know what a cocktail dress is that Alice and Rosalie got board one day and decided to make their own fashion school in our living room because all of us boys were "fashion impaired." Bella emerged in a sapphire blue knee length satin dress that had black lace over the top of it. She was utterly breathtaking and thankfully that couldn't hurt me.

"Bella, I think I just fell in love with you all over again," I smiled lovingly, as I walked over to her. Surprisingly she didn't pull away when I wrapped my arms around her. She seemed to be starting to show me some mercy. Thank God for that!

"You have been granted one kiss, Edward Cullen, use it wisely," Bella smirked. That was a major improvement from the mental beatings I had suffered. I moved my lips to hers and kissed her with all of my strength and all of my restraint. I had to admit I was looking forward to a more durable Bella. I let my hands drop farther down Bella's back so they were resting on her lower back just where her wonderful butt started. Bella gasped and it reverberated across my lips. I had to fight to keep my mouth closed, there was no way I was letting her near my teeth.

Alice faked a cough from across the room and Bella jumped away from me and started blushing immediately.

"I'm sorry Alice," Bella whispered.

"I'm not," I laughed. The two ladies who I had forgotten were infuriated with me began glaring. The mental beatings had started all over again.

"We have a wedding to attend, ado," Alice chirped, as she dragged Bella toward the door. "Remember to keep that brain of yours listening to mine. I know you can handle at least three miles and the mall isn't even that far away."

"Yes Alice," I replied sounding like a child who had just been sent to their room.

They left me sitting in our room staring out the corner window watching the limo that carried the love of my existence drive away. I was thankful that Alice was driving away because her _Panic at the Disco_ sucked. She kept forgetting lines and then leaving them blank. I don't know how the girl could remember every word of a _Spice Girls'_ album but forget entire lines from other bands.


End file.
